Sometimes I Worry…

Sometimes I worry.  I give off the impression that I am strong, determined, and that nothing can make me break.  I try and see my cancer as a learning tool; something that is shaping me for something better to come.  My friends see this side the most; the worried side is someone they rarely see as I keep a lot to myself.  Sure, even I believe I am strong and I will beat this disease.  But sometimes, just sometimes, I get scared.  And I break a little.  And I cry to myself in the safety of my home office or on a walk by myself.  I’m so scared.  This is just crazy – this amount of cancer in me, and for what?  Why?  I feel that I am destined to do something else.  The life that I had before cancer was not fulfilling, and my God did I know it.  I went off on sick leave, not so much for the cancer but just to give me some peace of mind.  At the time I was dying, and well, I didn’t have to be dying there at work.  I received a card from my co-workers.  Written in very small letters, in a little corner of this huge hand made card were the words “God has a special plan for you”.  It was initialled, but no matter how many times I try and figure out whose initials those belong to, I just can’t determine who the author is.  Even though this person remains nameless, they have kept me going.  

Cancer, as you can well imagine, is a horrible, debilitating disease.  There are times, however, when things can sometimes go well, and right now I’m at that stage.  “Stable Disease” they call it.  I get tired out easily, my body aches at times, but I am alive.  I am so thrilled to just be alive! So when things go wrong, they just don’t seem so bad.  In the big scheme of things they are such small items of worry.  But they are there – financial worries are the main ones.  And those small, trivial problems are what create more fresh tears.  I can handle cancer, I can handle never knowing when my time is up, but I’ve had it with the other parts of life this disease has eaten away at.  

But as soon as I ponder the predicament I’m in, or rather the predicament that my husband and I are in, the tears stop flowing.  I’m alive! I woke up today! Another day to explore and enjoy! So things are wonderful and I accept what life has brought to the table as an offering.  I just wish the hot water tank was not dying! 

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